5/14/24
Sometimes I fear I will never live up to the expectations of the communities that I take up space in
I fear I take up far too much space for a person who is so desperately untalented and sappy
My sensitivity was always used against me as a weapon
Sentimentality never got me anywhere, which is probably why my brain often disconnects from my body in an attempt to feel less, to feel normal
Normal
Why do I feel so attached to the idea of something that is only a myth?
Sometimes I wish I had a thicker skin, a way to break through it all, if I had the proper armour maybe I would be noticed
The idea that we have to turn off our emotions and become bosses to be good at what we do, to deserve attention, is rooted deeply in misogyny
The idea that some people are worth being noticed, and other people are simply cringy for trying at all, that we must remain aloof at detatched from what we create to be worthy of their attention, is rooted in the same
I don’t want to be like that, I don’t even know if I want to be here at all anymore
It feels too hard
As a person with my body who’s lived in this body for 20-some years, I should be able to say that without someone telling me to toughen up
I am not “being” to make other people feel comfortable
I don’t exist to make myself smaller
I exist so I can grow
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